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Literature Text
The Beginning
It started out as such a nice day, the birds chirping, children playing in the park, the giant hailstones the size of SUV’s landing in the front garden.
“What the!!!” I flinched as the bright light penetrating into our home, lighting up every corner of our small living room. I dashed to one of the windows over looking our front garden, Rappy, Za, Azalea and Kiao crowded around me looking out at the large dark hailstone lodge in our front garden. “Freaky weather.” I turn my attention away from window and towards our television in the far corner of the room, it always had the answers I seek as well as a few sitcoms. “Wonder if there is something on the news about it?”
Rappy and Za peered out into the darkness that has quickly filled the sky. “Stones…” Za gasps as she and Rappy took in the fall extent of the destruction the hailstones were having on our neighbourhood, as one hailstone crashed through the house opposite our own. “That CANNOT be natural…” Rappy observed as she winced with each impact.
The television crackled into life, the hellish weather effecting its picture quality despite our digital signal. “… and freak weather storms are happening all over the country..” I started to flick through the channels, the destruction was more widespread then just our little neighbourhood it seemed. “…Many oceans have frozen over with thick ice.” Za had turned back to the window starring into the black obis above, hoping that it might give some answers. “um… not natural, but wide spread.” She observed, as I continued to flick through the stations.
Suddenly every station I flicked to merged into one signal, with the image of young woman wearing a Russian Uniform and what looked like a large metal bracelet attached to her right wrist. She had a thick Russian accent and was standing proudly in front of a red flag. Her voice strong and commanding, but sensual at the same time. The most startling things about her were her bright purple eyes. “… the world has 24 hours to surrender to the rule of the new Союз Советских Социалистических Республик, otherwise we will lay waste to every major city in the world.”
I blink rapidly as I slowly backed away from the television, my face drained of what little colour it normally had. Which in my case was not a lot. “No it can not be…” I stutter softly as Rappy points out what we all have realised. “That was Russian.” “Союз Советских Социалистических Республик… Is this a communist uprising?” asked Azalea still trying to comprehend what was happening. “Arg! I hate when I don’t understand peoples words!…” Za said as she turned from mild annoyance, to total shock in less time then it takes to blink. “Wait what?? Surrender?” She gasped.
“I know her.” I knew I should have stayed quite and played it safe, I’ve been doing that for most of my life now it’s almost second nature, but with those three little words I shattered that nature. The eerie sound of silence that had enveloped the room was finally broken by Za, her voice filled with concern and affection as she looks in my eyes seeking an answer to the question that was on everybody’s lips. “You know her?” I sigh deeply, as thousands of thoughts started rushing through my mind. I knew I could not turn back now, could not go back to playing the fool, as my former science teacher liked to say. “Yes Za, but a long time ago.” I latch onto a plan and quickly turn to Rappy, my voice firm and commanding, but in my heart I was scared for my friends safety. “Rappy do you think we can make something so that we can communicate back to her?” Rappy blinked a couple of times trying to take in all what was being said. “I assume I could…”
You could tell that Rappy was thinking long and hard as she gently taps away at the television screen, thousands of ideas dancing in front of her eyes as she grasps for the one that might work. “I could spellcraft a simple communicative receptor.” She said while slowly strokes her soft chin with her delicately manicured hand, while conjuring up a list of toys she will need to make this miracle a reality. “But I’d need a manticore stinger. Could someone please run down to my lab and get one while I’m starting the spellwork?” “I’ll get it.” Azalea calls as she dashed down towards Rappys Lab, within moments she is back clutching the manticore stinger in her hands. “One manticore stinger!”Azalea says as Rappy takes the manticore stinger from her hands and starts pushing it into the television, causing the spell to channel itself throughout the television as well as overloading the surround sound system. Za looks on “Hope things will be alright…” she whispers to herself as she gently closed her eyes losing herself in contemplation.
“Do we have communication?” I ask Rappy, trying not to sound to commanding, but failing miserably. “Indeed… you just need to communicate, since I have no idea who to contact.” I pointed at the centre of the television; the woman was still listing her demands on a fearful world. “We are after the signal that is being broadcast from her.” I sighed to myself knowing that I was falling back into my old life, the one I had before this one… the one I hoped never to go back to. Rappy turned her attention to the television and started searching for the signal with the spell; Azalea looks into the eyes of her spirit sister looking for a sign of the spell working. “Anything?” Azalea asked. “Oh, I see you finally figured it out.” Injected the woman on the television. “… I believe so.” Rappy responded.
“Yeah, does not take long to figure out how to contact you Onatopp.” I hoped that she did not see through my air of confidence to the scared teenager of my youth that she once knew too well. On the screen the woman known as Onatopp smirks to herself. “Is that any way to greet an old friend?” She leans in close to the camera, exposing her ample bosom. Her every movement was designed to stimulate the hormonal side of the brain, she always knew how to get some serious attention. “You can still call me Natasha, Trippette.” Silence filled the room; none of my friends knew what to say. All confused about how this woman could possible know me; soon Azalea found the words everyone was grasping for. “… You know this person?”
I didn’t answer her question; the answer was become obvious to everyone now, plus I just did not have the time. I needed to organise my thoughts, and gather as much information as possible but not let on that I had no clue about why she was back. “Okay… Natasha cut to the chase; no one in the former Soviet Union has that kind of technology. Who’s funding your little power trip?” I prayed that she did not see through my bluff, and faux, bravado. “What makes you think I could not do this myself?” Natasha whined like a typical teenage girl being talked down to by her parents. Seemed I had hit a nerve, something I could use. “Just call it a little hunch.” I reply with a sly smile on my lips. “Well you are wrong, dead wrong, this is all me.” She yelled as the camera backed away from her revealing an ultra modern military facility with hundreds of soldiers armed to the teeth surrounding the outer walls, and large computer banks with over a dozen scientist and a coffee boy wandering between them.
The camera zoomed back in on Natasha her face cocky highlighting her blood red lips. “I’m surprised you have not figured it out yet.” I gulped as I tried to hide my confusion. “What do you mean?” I asked cautiously. “You mean you did not even see us at all, because I sure saw your fine ass.” Natasha sensual tone letting on more then I would have liked. “Hey! You’re are not allowed to make any comments about my friends’ asses!” Injected Azalea, as I was slowly losing my patients for Natasha’s guessing games. “I’m in no mood for riddles Natasha.” Natasha smiled coyly she knew she had me right where she wanted me to be, totally out of the loop and feeling powerless.
“You remember when you and your team turned up in the jungle?” I leaned over and whispered to Za. “She must mean when my teleportation spell mucked up and sent us to the jungle instead of the mall.” Za simply nods softly in agreement, while Azalea and Rappy look puzzled. “What? When was this?” Azalea and Rappy injected together. “It was so nice of you to take away all those savages, made our job of getting the stone so much easier.” My heart started to beat loudly against my chest wall; all I could hear was it and the sensual tones of Natasha. “Then the next time was in that toy world when you were so distracted by that blond stick girl arguing, that me and my girls were able to find the next one of these gems.”
The entire colour drained from my face as realisation hit, my world starts to swell around me as my mind spins taking in all that Natasha had to tell. All those times… I was being drawn in again and again…and every time we lost out due to people arguing. Natasha’s confidence was growing as she realised that I knew nothing, you could see her cockiness in the way she smirked down at me. “We thought that you had come to stop up when our security droids spotted you flying near Cloud City, but it seems none of your crew wanted to fly as high as you. Then finally we got the last piece of the puzzle from that wreck at the bottom of the sea near that casino island. I thought your water element form would have noticed us near by, but it seems you are just too dumb to see my plans in work.” Natasha glared over at Za, forming daggers in her mind eye at Za’s throat. “It was a bit of a set back no longer having the books around to understand these gems, but my scientist and mages have found a way to make them work and there is no way a clueless girl like you can stop me now.” Natasha pushed a button on a remote control she had weird into the right arm of her tight fitting Russian uniform. “Okay I think that went well.” “Erm Natasha you forgot to cut the communication.” I injected “Damn it!” Natasha pushed another button on her arm remote and the screen goes blank, but voice can still be heard. I palm slap my own face, as I say. “Natasha you just turned off the camera, but kept the mike on.” A loud scream of frustration can be heard before the feed is finally cut.
It started out as such a nice day, the birds chirping, children playing in the park, the giant hailstones the size of SUV’s landing in the front garden.
“What the!!!” I flinched as the bright light penetrating into our home, lighting up every corner of our small living room. I dashed to one of the windows over looking our front garden, Rappy, Za, Azalea and Kiao crowded around me looking out at the large dark hailstone lodge in our front garden. “Freaky weather.” I turn my attention away from window and towards our television in the far corner of the room, it always had the answers I seek as well as a few sitcoms. “Wonder if there is something on the news about it?”
Rappy and Za peered out into the darkness that has quickly filled the sky. “Stones…” Za gasps as she and Rappy took in the fall extent of the destruction the hailstones were having on our neighbourhood, as one hailstone crashed through the house opposite our own. “That CANNOT be natural…” Rappy observed as she winced with each impact.
The television crackled into life, the hellish weather effecting its picture quality despite our digital signal. “… and freak weather storms are happening all over the country..” I started to flick through the channels, the destruction was more widespread then just our little neighbourhood it seemed. “…Many oceans have frozen over with thick ice.” Za had turned back to the window starring into the black obis above, hoping that it might give some answers. “um… not natural, but wide spread.” She observed, as I continued to flick through the stations.
Suddenly every station I flicked to merged into one signal, with the image of young woman wearing a Russian Uniform and what looked like a large metal bracelet attached to her right wrist. She had a thick Russian accent and was standing proudly in front of a red flag. Her voice strong and commanding, but sensual at the same time. The most startling things about her were her bright purple eyes. “… the world has 24 hours to surrender to the rule of the new Союз Советских Социалистических Республик, otherwise we will lay waste to every major city in the world.”
I blink rapidly as I slowly backed away from the television, my face drained of what little colour it normally had. Which in my case was not a lot. “No it can not be…” I stutter softly as Rappy points out what we all have realised. “That was Russian.” “Союз Советских Социалистических Республик… Is this a communist uprising?” asked Azalea still trying to comprehend what was happening. “Arg! I hate when I don’t understand peoples words!…” Za said as she turned from mild annoyance, to total shock in less time then it takes to blink. “Wait what?? Surrender?” She gasped.
“I know her.” I knew I should have stayed quite and played it safe, I’ve been doing that for most of my life now it’s almost second nature, but with those three little words I shattered that nature. The eerie sound of silence that had enveloped the room was finally broken by Za, her voice filled with concern and affection as she looks in my eyes seeking an answer to the question that was on everybody’s lips. “You know her?” I sigh deeply, as thousands of thoughts started rushing through my mind. I knew I could not turn back now, could not go back to playing the fool, as my former science teacher liked to say. “Yes Za, but a long time ago.” I latch onto a plan and quickly turn to Rappy, my voice firm and commanding, but in my heart I was scared for my friends safety. “Rappy do you think we can make something so that we can communicate back to her?” Rappy blinked a couple of times trying to take in all what was being said. “I assume I could…”
You could tell that Rappy was thinking long and hard as she gently taps away at the television screen, thousands of ideas dancing in front of her eyes as she grasps for the one that might work. “I could spellcraft a simple communicative receptor.” She said while slowly strokes her soft chin with her delicately manicured hand, while conjuring up a list of toys she will need to make this miracle a reality. “But I’d need a manticore stinger. Could someone please run down to my lab and get one while I’m starting the spellwork?” “I’ll get it.” Azalea calls as she dashed down towards Rappys Lab, within moments she is back clutching the manticore stinger in her hands. “One manticore stinger!”Azalea says as Rappy takes the manticore stinger from her hands and starts pushing it into the television, causing the spell to channel itself throughout the television as well as overloading the surround sound system. Za looks on “Hope things will be alright…” she whispers to herself as she gently closed her eyes losing herself in contemplation.
“Do we have communication?” I ask Rappy, trying not to sound to commanding, but failing miserably. “Indeed… you just need to communicate, since I have no idea who to contact.” I pointed at the centre of the television; the woman was still listing her demands on a fearful world. “We are after the signal that is being broadcast from her.” I sighed to myself knowing that I was falling back into my old life, the one I had before this one… the one I hoped never to go back to. Rappy turned her attention to the television and started searching for the signal with the spell; Azalea looks into the eyes of her spirit sister looking for a sign of the spell working. “Anything?” Azalea asked. “Oh, I see you finally figured it out.” Injected the woman on the television. “… I believe so.” Rappy responded.
“Yeah, does not take long to figure out how to contact you Onatopp.” I hoped that she did not see through my air of confidence to the scared teenager of my youth that she once knew too well. On the screen the woman known as Onatopp smirks to herself. “Is that any way to greet an old friend?” She leans in close to the camera, exposing her ample bosom. Her every movement was designed to stimulate the hormonal side of the brain, she always knew how to get some serious attention. “You can still call me Natasha, Trippette.” Silence filled the room; none of my friends knew what to say. All confused about how this woman could possible know me; soon Azalea found the words everyone was grasping for. “… You know this person?”
I didn’t answer her question; the answer was become obvious to everyone now, plus I just did not have the time. I needed to organise my thoughts, and gather as much information as possible but not let on that I had no clue about why she was back. “Okay… Natasha cut to the chase; no one in the former Soviet Union has that kind of technology. Who’s funding your little power trip?” I prayed that she did not see through my bluff, and faux, bravado. “What makes you think I could not do this myself?” Natasha whined like a typical teenage girl being talked down to by her parents. Seemed I had hit a nerve, something I could use. “Just call it a little hunch.” I reply with a sly smile on my lips. “Well you are wrong, dead wrong, this is all me.” She yelled as the camera backed away from her revealing an ultra modern military facility with hundreds of soldiers armed to the teeth surrounding the outer walls, and large computer banks with over a dozen scientist and a coffee boy wandering between them.
The camera zoomed back in on Natasha her face cocky highlighting her blood red lips. “I’m surprised you have not figured it out yet.” I gulped as I tried to hide my confusion. “What do you mean?” I asked cautiously. “You mean you did not even see us at all, because I sure saw your fine ass.” Natasha sensual tone letting on more then I would have liked. “Hey! You’re are not allowed to make any comments about my friends’ asses!” Injected Azalea, as I was slowly losing my patients for Natasha’s guessing games. “I’m in no mood for riddles Natasha.” Natasha smiled coyly she knew she had me right where she wanted me to be, totally out of the loop and feeling powerless.
“You remember when you and your team turned up in the jungle?” I leaned over and whispered to Za. “She must mean when my teleportation spell mucked up and sent us to the jungle instead of the mall.” Za simply nods softly in agreement, while Azalea and Rappy look puzzled. “What? When was this?” Azalea and Rappy injected together. “It was so nice of you to take away all those savages, made our job of getting the stone so much easier.” My heart started to beat loudly against my chest wall; all I could hear was it and the sensual tones of Natasha. “Then the next time was in that toy world when you were so distracted by that blond stick girl arguing, that me and my girls were able to find the next one of these gems.”
The entire colour drained from my face as realisation hit, my world starts to swell around me as my mind spins taking in all that Natasha had to tell. All those times… I was being drawn in again and again…and every time we lost out due to people arguing. Natasha’s confidence was growing as she realised that I knew nothing, you could see her cockiness in the way she smirked down at me. “We thought that you had come to stop up when our security droids spotted you flying near Cloud City, but it seems none of your crew wanted to fly as high as you. Then finally we got the last piece of the puzzle from that wreck at the bottom of the sea near that casino island. I thought your water element form would have noticed us near by, but it seems you are just too dumb to see my plans in work.” Natasha glared over at Za, forming daggers in her mind eye at Za’s throat. “It was a bit of a set back no longer having the books around to understand these gems, but my scientist and mages have found a way to make them work and there is no way a clueless girl like you can stop me now.” Natasha pushed a button on a remote control she had weird into the right arm of her tight fitting Russian uniform. “Okay I think that went well.” “Erm Natasha you forgot to cut the communication.” I injected “Damn it!” Natasha pushed another button on her arm remote and the screen goes blank, but voice can still be heard. I palm slap my own face, as I say. “Natasha you just turned off the camera, but kept the mike on.” A loud scream of frustration can be heard before the feed is finally cut.
Hiya
This is the first chapter of my new series, its a little short, but this was such a nice natural pause to use so I took it. This started out life as an RP with the following people.
Trippette is (C) me
Natasha is (C)
Za is (C)
Rappy is (C)
Azalea is (C)
Kiao is (C) Kiao
This is the first chapter of my new series, its a little short, but this was such a nice natural pause to use so I took it. This started out life as an RP with the following people.
Trippette is (C) me
Natasha is (C)
Za is (C)
Rappy is (C)
Azalea is (C)
Kiao is (C) Kiao
© 2008 - 2024 Trippette
Comments8
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While I do not clearly understand a lot of the storyline, your writing is very much improved, and rather dynamic.
Perhaps you could consider adding a bit of description to the characters in your supporting cast, or even yourself? I'm at an advantage, as I already know who is who and what they look like, but someone who does not already know this would have a hard time catching onto it.
It moves very fast, and perhaps a bit more description would benefit the story (what does Rap need the stinger FOR? Did the hailstones stop? What are the neighbors reactions to this occurance?) Some time would be well used to add more definition to the characters used, and often the only indications toward their personality is what you tell us. Also, I think the potential hysteria caused by SUV-sized hailstoned might be a SLIGHT bit downplayed. "Hey, Giant hailstones that could destroy buildings! wonder if anything's on tv about it'? is a reaction I'd expect from hailstones the size of golfballs. SUVs would be a hiding-in-the-basement kind of occurance.
I'm definately catching inspiration from Indiana Jones here. 'OMG! COMMUNISTS! ALL COMMUNISTS ARE EVUL & ALL COMMIES R RUSSIAN' is something that scrapes my nerves, as usually it is used as an excuse for letting the villain have very little backstory or character. It would definately hold more interest to me if the motives were explained a bit more, although I won't make any reservations toward the character as of yet.
Your writing might benefit from a bit of proof reading in regards to overusing the same word, or accidentally inserting Homonyms for the word you wanted to put there instead.
I'm looking forward to reading more of this, and I hope you take this critique in good humor; it's a story I am intrigued about.
P.S. One exclamation mark is all that is needed at any one time. If It's an exclaimed QUESTION, then a '!?' might suffice, although usually I just see a '?' and an indication it's shouted/exclaimed etc.
Perhaps you could consider adding a bit of description to the characters in your supporting cast, or even yourself? I'm at an advantage, as I already know who is who and what they look like, but someone who does not already know this would have a hard time catching onto it.
It moves very fast, and perhaps a bit more description would benefit the story (what does Rap need the stinger FOR? Did the hailstones stop? What are the neighbors reactions to this occurance?) Some time would be well used to add more definition to the characters used, and often the only indications toward their personality is what you tell us. Also, I think the potential hysteria caused by SUV-sized hailstoned might be a SLIGHT bit downplayed. "Hey, Giant hailstones that could destroy buildings! wonder if anything's on tv about it'? is a reaction I'd expect from hailstones the size of golfballs. SUVs would be a hiding-in-the-basement kind of occurance.
I'm definately catching inspiration from Indiana Jones here. 'OMG! COMMUNISTS! ALL COMMUNISTS ARE EVUL & ALL COMMIES R RUSSIAN' is something that scrapes my nerves, as usually it is used as an excuse for letting the villain have very little backstory or character. It would definately hold more interest to me if the motives were explained a bit more, although I won't make any reservations toward the character as of yet.
Your writing might benefit from a bit of proof reading in regards to overusing the same word, or accidentally inserting Homonyms for the word you wanted to put there instead.
I'm looking forward to reading more of this, and I hope you take this critique in good humor; it's a story I am intrigued about.
P.S. One exclamation mark is all that is needed at any one time. If It's an exclaimed QUESTION, then a '!?' might suffice, although usually I just see a '?' and an indication it's shouted/exclaimed etc.